Happy 25 to me!

This year, I am hoisting a silver flag—celebrating 25 years of life.  Yep, a silver jubilee. 

Hold on, Birthday? Celebration? Party? Treat?

Honestly, I haven’t really celebrated my birthday since grade 6. One big reason? People only seem to care on that one day—they send texts, gifts, cakes, pour love and money into it and I never felt peace or real happiness from it. It all felt so temporary. So over time, my birthday became a normal day, like every other day.

Secondly, my parents never brought me up with grand gestures. Since childhood, I knew I was raised with reality. I grew up in a nuclear family: my father’s parents died before I was born, and I barely remember my maternal grandfather, as I was just 2 to 4 years old. I am close with my maternal grandma. Most of my childhood vacations were with her, and I love spending time with her. She takes care of me so well. I feel safe and comfortable with her. Her love languages on birthdays or even on normal days were making my favorite food and buying my favorite snacks. That’s where I felt peace and true happiness.

Thirdly, I see many children in orphanages or on the streets who don’t even know their parents, their birthdates, or branded clothes and luxurious things. They struggle for even a meal a day. I felt I was wasting money on things that gave temporary happiness. That’s why I stopped celebrating my birthday and started treating it as a normal day. On my birthday, I pray to God or visit the temple, thanking him for life, food, shelter, water, and financial stability. I pray for every living being on this universe/Earth. I stopped receiving gifts from my close ones. 

My Journey 

I was brought up in a family where my parents were shy in expressing joy, happiness, or emotions. I became alike—speaking brief/small talks in person and writing more because I feel safer writing than expressing myself directly. I never know how a person will react: if they criticize or judge me, I self doubt myself and start to criticize me. I was sensitive as a child, and even now, I am sensitive but more balanced. I was introverted, now ambivert. I am a girl who has made many sacrifices with patience and calmness who grew up with real-world struggles, pains, family issues, racial discrimination in schools, who truly understood her family situation. Childhood trauma made me emotionally suppressive but occasionally burst out. I care and love deeply for others but rarely receive it. I love my parents deeply but sometimes blame them for narrow-mindedness I grew up with.  I have carried so much maturity at a young age. I had/have small circle of friends and truly blessed to have them in my life.

During my teens, life taught me many lessons. I stopped expecting the societal form of love—grand gestures like dating, buying lux things. Every time, I ended in one-sided love, giving and chasing. This made me feel unworthy. The trauma of being dusky-toned in school made me feel inferior about my body and skin color. Every handsome, good-looking boy’s rejection hurt deeply. That made me think I should raise my standards in living and thinking. One-sided feelings were beautiful until I expressed  them and then the rejection became deeply personal. When someone I trusted and loved used words like “I feel nausea when I see her,” “I hate her,” “she’s annoying,” “her behavior is borderline criminal,” “delusional,” “creepy,” “pathetic,” “blacky” it hits me hard inside. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or care for myself. My teen years were ruined by giving all my love, time, and energy to the wrong people. I sometimes blame myself for falling in love quickly with attraction. That’s when self-criticism began, which gave me depression, short temper, anxiety, low confidence and a desire to avoid conversation. In short, no self esteem. I retreated into a shell, just going to school/college and come back home, escaping from reality with my favorite web series or movies. I felt safer in fantasy than the real world. Sometimes I'm a girl who hides my feelings from my family because I don’t want to add to their burdens as they already have enough problems.

I started focusing on my skin tone, appearance and dressing, but nothing really improved my confidence when I stood near fair, pretty girls. This repeated in the uni as well, seeing my very pretty friend receiving countless proposals while I remained unseen and rejected.

Honestly, when I hear people say things like, “A man who loves you deeply will show you, he will accept your flaws and scars, stand by you when your parents are gone, make you feel safe around his family, his eyes speak the truth, true love is for character, not just beauty, beauty fades but love doesn’t…” I feel like all these taglines are lies and suits only for movie dialogues (Fantasy). Unrealistic. I’ve never felt any of that in my whole life. The harsh reality? Love isn’t always like that, and expecting it to be only brings disappointment.

Moving abroad, I became independent—grocery shopping, eating alone in restaurants, customer-facing part-time roles, financial independence, emotional maturity, focusing on grades and skills for the professional world. I learned that nobody will be there when you need them most—except God. You came alone, and you’ll go alone. Life is about survival and purpose. I personally chose this path abroad to develop my life personally, professionally, to not give my future generations the struggles I faced. I want them to live life freely and for that, I must be financially, mentally, emotionally, and physically stable. 

My Desires 

I wish to travel the world, explore different cultures, taste authentic cuisines, learn new languages, and join local festivals. My dream is to take a solo journey through Switzerland, Italy, Spain, the Netherlands, Turkey, France, Monaco, Kashmir, Manali, Kedarnath, Badrinath, Shimla, Darjeeling, Vietnam, Bali, Bath, and beyond.

In this journey, I want to follow my creative passions as well—learning guitar, violin, Kathak, French dance, crochet, horse riding, swimming, hiking mountains, surfing, sailing across seas, and discovering the Himalayas while meeting new people. I dream of owning a peaceful home in the countryside.

Most importantly, I wish to give back by spending time in orphanages and old age homes, sharing kindness, and creating meaningful memories with those who need love and care.

25 Years In – Current Me

I am still working on improving my skin tone, focusing on healthy weight gain, broadening my perspective, and developing emotional intelligence. I strive to adapt to whatever life brings, becoming stronger, bolder, kind-hearted, grounded, hardworking, and sometimes smart-working. I am also learning to improve both intrapersonal and interpersonal skills while staying calm under pressure.

My journey reflects my growth:

From the girl who insisted her parents buy her things, to the young woman who now earns, buys, and supports her parents independently.

From the girl who once craved love and care during sickness or tough times, to the woman who now endures pain alone—whether it’s menstruation, fever, breakups, physical struggles, or panic attacks.

From the girl who was too scared to face customers or speak in the part-time work, to the woman who now handles them confidently.

From the girl who felt awkward when street boys mocked or praised her, to the woman who now either loudly appreciates genuine praise or simply ignores immature behavior.

From the girl who overthought every little thing, to the woman who thinks, “Let them. Whatever. I have my own life,” quietly moving forward.

From the girl who constantly worried about others’ opinions and criticized herself, to the woman who now loves herself deeply, inside and out, giving herself time to live and heal.

From the girl who once felt ashamed of her appearance or culture, to the woman who now embraces it proudly like a queen, a lioness. 

From the girl who depended on everything, to the woman who is learning to live independently and overcome her fears

You were, and still are, a good soul—a child learning to grow while life kept testing you. You carried pains no one knew, yet you stood bravely through it all. You are the strongest, the bravest, and beautiful inside and out. God has always held your hand, keeping you safe and secure.

You are kind, loved, and cared for. You shine with academic brilliance, and your talents make you unique. Innocent yet clever, nurturing, empathetic, and mindful—you have crossed so many hurdles boldly, like a queen.

So keep flying higher. Never let anyone’s doubts hold you back. At the end of the day, you will always be your own strength—emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I am grateful for this life—for everything it has given me and everything it will bring. I wish to enjoy it fully. Life ends when effort fades into futility—in love, career, health. So I remind myself: keep being mindful, keep loving, keep helping. Life is tough, but I’ve got this. In the end, it’s always me versus me.

I wish happiness for everyone who had rejected me, let them find peace with their loved ones. But there is one person I cannot simply let go of—because with him, I choose him everyday, wish to live fully, through joy or sorrow, wealth or struggle. He made me feel safe, seen, pretty and for the first time in my life, truly feminine and beautiful through his eyes.

His silent gaze spoke more than words, unlike anything I’ve ever known. In the past, I was always the one to reach out, to chase the image of someone who fit my expectations. But with him, I expected nothing and still, I found everything. At first, I even thought he deserved better than me, that he was out of reach. He is Swiss-Italian, intelligent, calm, handsome,emotionally mature, goal-focused, and gentle. He is good at tolerating things and patience. Ik, I've given him so much pressure. Honestly, no girl would say no if he propose.

Before approaching him, my mind was a storm. What if he rejects me like others did? What if he thinks I’m ugly, or too different from him? What if he judges me, avoids me, or hurts me? What if he notices my insecurities, my dark skin, my emotions, my past? What if he thinks I'm pranking? what if he get flattered ? What if he thinks I'm behind him for swiss citizenship or money? what if he is already committed to someone back in his country? What if after I proposed he leaves me? There was a lot running in my mind. I wasn’t fully ready to express myself to him —I’d already faced so much in my past and took time to heal. I sometimes feel nervous and worried to say him how much I love because i was fear of missing/losing him. Most of the days I kept showing him unhappy, gloomy face and hided my smiling blushing face because I haven't healed completely, I was only in fear to express it.  I was totally a kid/ child infront of him. Somedays I even dressed unattractive just to look whether he still sees me with same care and love. Does he still feel attractive towards me?  He does and I really felt it through his eyes.  

But somehow, I had faith and trust in him.  Trust me, when he was here I gained weight and my face was glowing. I was active as well. My bad, I couldn't realise it at that moment and was only blaming/accusing him but it wasn't intentionally. I don't know how to respond and was only reacting. I truly felt like I was the most beautiful girl in the world around him. In front of him, everyone/ the whole world was blurred. But he also made me feel the same pain when he wasn't ready to talk or text me. I suffered a lot during christmas vacation last year. I was controlling not to text him. Instead, I sat and prayed to god everyday. Whatever I desired to say him, I did it by writing in my dairy. The insecurities, the emotions hits stronger than anything I’d faced in the past—left me shattered. The pain affected me mentally and physically; I couldn’t even get back to my daily routine.

He made me feel that every other boys in the world is unattractive, unworthy, insignificant. Even with all this, I still pray for him from the bottom of my heart that he should grow professionally, and has the health and happiness he deserves. Yet deep down, I know that I deserve to be with him too. That feeling is unforgettable. I really miss him and the feeling he gave me everyday. I wish he could know my birthday. I’m not sure I can show the same love to the next person in my life, so I wish to stay single forever.

So here I am, 25, grateful, reflective, a bit bruised but stronger, ready to live life fully—my way.